John Styles performs an old English Punch and Judy show in the traditional style. Watch a clip of him performing or read the transcripts below.

The show

Over there, come on now, over there, come on now.

What's all the noise? Is he being naughty with the baby?

Yes.

Oh no I wasn't.

Listen, any more trouble I shall call a policeman.

Oh.

You won't forget to tell me, will you, everyone?

No.

I won't be long. Bye bye.

Bye.

I said 'bye bye'.

Bye.

Bye.

Go to sleep, little baby. Eh, stop it. Eh, stop it. Er, oh dear. Er, eh, stop it. How dare you, you? Bopety, bopety, bopety, bopety, bopety, bopety, bopety, bopety. Oh dear, what the matter now? Bopety.

Oh dear, what is that? The baby's down there, the baby's alright. Did he do that?

No.

Did he?

Yes.

Oh no I didn't.

Oh yes you did.

Oh you're a wicked, nasty man.

Oh dear.

Help, police, help!

Oh.

Oh.

That's the way to do it!

My mother was right. I never should have married you. I'm going home to mother.

That's the way to do it!