The art of waiting

Weary queuer or not, there seems to be an unsaid personal three-point rule that many of us abide to whilst standing in line.

Firstly, no talking to yourself, secondly, don’t let anyone get in front of you, finally, do NOT under any circumstances quit the queue altogether – remember queue quitters do not prosper.

However, different people have different ‘queue tolerance’, with varying degrees being ascertained by various levels of tutting, sighing, feet-tapping, elbow pokery, muttered (or loud and clear) expletives, queue jumping, queue quitting (god forbid) and for the really hard of queuing – pushing and shoving and getting confrontational and/or irate. In other words, that wholly unacceptable queue behaviour called making a fuss.

Despite the eclectic variety of queues out there, we’ve all experienced mind numbingly boring ones that threaten to tip us over the edge.

Help combat queue boredom, intolerance and quitting by simply:

1. Finding something interesting to look at (although it’s probably best if you avoid getting too entranced by the dandruff sprinkled on the shoulders of the person in front of you if you’re standing in line for a sandwich).

2. Making friends – queue buddies are a great way of passing the time and if you play your cards right, they might just let you go in front of them if you feed them a convincing enough story. (Try things like, “If I miss that train, I won’t ever see the love of my life ever again.” And whilst in a queue for the toilets - “I’m borderline incontinent by the way…”) 

3. Zoning out completely, out of your body and especially - your mind. Take a look around for a veteran queuer (local post offices are especially good places to observe queue zombies at work) and note the deadened eyes, listless shuffle, arms flattened firmly by the sides, and simply follow their lead.

Queue hierarchy

Ah yes, the veteran queuer – queuers ripe of age. Having honed their queuing skills to perfection over the years, our more mature members of society often display quite extreme queuing behaviour, with some taking a self-imposed, take-no-prisoners precedence approach to waiting in line. Despite such queuing stature, moments of whimsy can occasionally cause queuers of a certain age to throw caution to the wind.

One minute you’ll be whistling while you wait, the next minute, the gentle Miss Marple-lookalike stood behind you will be butting you around the head with her walking stick whilst simultaneously ramming her trolley into your ankles for good measure. And more fool those who dare jump a queue for the number 7 bus going to the local bingo hall on a Tuesday night…

There is nothing quite like a queue to let you know your place in the world. Throughout the years – from childhood to adulthood – whether you like it or not, queues can let you know quite literally where you stand in life.

Most of us at some point or another have had to witness ‘VIPs’ being ushered past us for a swanky (or drop the s) nightclub, posh restaurant, first class flight, gig or festival, leaving us ‘civilians’ as Elizabeth Hurley famously called non-celebrities - seething with embittered injustice out in the cold.

Many of us will also have memories of being sent to the back of the line at school for being naughty while our peers looked on sniggering – delighting in not having been caught themselves. But then when your turn as a triumphant queue jumper swings round, all of a sudden VIP lists seem like such a good idea. After all your name is on the list, so frankly that’s all that matters when the event you’re queuing for warrants a queue as long as Hadrian’s wall and Blighty’s weather is staying true to form by bucketing down hail stones as big as cannon balls.

Queue rage

We’ve all had it (even if the resulting expletives remain firmly within the confines of our heads.) Usually much tutting, shaking of heads, rolling of eyes and a muttering chorus (under our breath of course) about “lack of manners” and “how some people are so rude” ensues if anyone dares jump a queue.

The people who’ve been pushed in front of (queue compatriots) look at each other with wide-eyed disbelief and unite together to throw communal daggers at the back of the head of said heinous queue jumper. “First come, first served” is not a motto everyone abides by after all. Or for times when we simply can’t but help say something, our rage politely restrained of course, we may go as far as pointedly saying, “there is a queue you know.” But goodness, we’d much rather not have to actually say anything.

 

Queuing theory

Unsurprisingly, queuing theories exist although most are mind bogglingly confusing (unless you are a mathematical genius). AK Erlang, the Danish telephone engineer who first formulated Queuing Theory in 1908, looked at how large a telephone exchange needed to be in order to keep to a reasonable value the number of telephone calls not connected because the exchange was busy (lost calls). Within ten years he had developed a formula to solve the problem.

There are many books written about the mathematics of queuing theory. The basic principles are that queues have an arrival rate, a service rate, and a discipline. But we won’t drill too deep into the mathematics behind queuing theories, for they are rather complex and frankly, we don’t have enough room for all the graphs!

An interesting fact about the term "queuing theory" is that it contains the longest unbroken run of vowels of any word in the English language.

Anyway, getting to back to basics and indeed to conclude our exploration of queuing, it seems safe to say that queuing is embedded in our psyche from a very young age, as aforementioned, we queue in school; on the playground, in the canteen (then again for seconds), outside the headmistress’s office (if you were silly enough to have been caught), outside the cloakroom, for your jabs, for the school bus…all to the teacherly, weary shout of “stop pushing at the back!”

Furthermore, our parents will have handed down the art of queuing. A group of young children left to their own devices, it’s probably safe to say, will not be forming orderly lines. But it is swiftly instilled within us as the thing to do and certainly by adulthood most have us have developed our own queuing etiquette, experiences and probably knocked up many a ‘riotous’ queuing tale to regale our friends with and fellow queuers too. So here’s to you, the joyous queue – a true ICON indeed.